This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Girls should come with a carfax report
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Randomize
