my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Randomize
