I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
And then he peed in my hair
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