My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
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