it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
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