Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Randomize
