I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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