friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
Randomize
