if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
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