I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Randomize
