you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
