I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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