She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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