On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Randomize
