Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
