I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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