with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Randomize
