Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
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