dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
You made out with two different species that night
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Randomize
