I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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