based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
