I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
what day is it and did you see me today?
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
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