she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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