Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Randomize
