So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
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