The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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