he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Randomize
