New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Randomize
