And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Randomize
