John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
