Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Randomize