this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
