he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
It's official drugs can't kill me
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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