When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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