duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
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