matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
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