Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Randomize
