New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
