Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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