Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Randomize
