He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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