Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
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