You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
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