worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Randomize
