im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
