just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
