His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Randomize
