i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
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