I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
