I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
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