I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
That's when you crack a 10am beer
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
