I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
tell me about the eggs
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
