mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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