i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Randomize
