I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Randomize
