Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
