he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Randomize
