I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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