When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
