i wish starbucks made bloody marys
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
