Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
