these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
