I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
