i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
