They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
