yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Randomize
