Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
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