Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
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