I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
