Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
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